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What does an affirming, supportive, healthy conversation between a parent and child look like? How about under these tricky situations: when your child finds out the object of their affection is taking someone else to the prom; or when they receive lower-than-expected grades; or even when the kitchen garbage hasn鈥檛 been taken out yet again?

In his latest book, The Unlikely Art of Parental Pressure: A Positive Approach to Pushing Your Child to Be Their Best Self, Exeter鈥檚 Associate Director of Counseling and Psychological Services Christopher Thurber offers myriad practical examples of how to chat with your child in a manner that鈥檚 both direct and empathetic, and reveals 鈥淔our Interrogation Methods to Avoid,鈥� such as expecting the best rather than their best.

Thurber is well versed and expertly trained to offer such insightful advice. He has served as a staff psychologist at Exeter since 1999, and earned his bachelor鈥檚 degree from Harvard and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from UCLA. His doctoral graduate work on homesickness and summer camp generated 2015鈥檚 Summer Camp Handbook and led to multiple public appearances.

Co-written with fellow psychologist and emotional-intelligence expert Hendrie Weisinger, The Unlikely Art of Parental Pressure shines a potent spotlight on the vagaries of parental pressure and how to morph unhealthy pressure into the healthy variety. As Thurber says, an ever-present element of warmth is key to successful adult-kid interactions. Warmth is a characteristic that Thurber also emulates successfully in his writing, making this book a particular pleasure to read.

With so many parenting books out there, what makes this one stand apart?

This is the first discussion of parental pressure that shifts the narrative from聽how much听迟辞听what kind聽of pressure. Specifically, the instinctive nature of parental pressure means no one can tell parents to 鈥渟top pressuring鈥� their kids. Well, they can say that, but nothing will happen. We provide lots of realistic examples to guide parents and other caregivers to transform what they might identify as harmful pressure into healthy pressure. [Second,] we鈥檙e addressing a circumscribed topic 鈥� the pressure that caregivers apply 鈥� but we include pressure from other adult caregivers, from coaches and clergy to teachers and mentors. And the third notable difference is a challenge to society at large to improve the college admissions process.

So much of parental pressure does seem to come from a desire to get kids into a good college so they can succeed in life.

One of the most frequently quoted passages from the book is where we write, 鈥溾��prestige carries weight in some circles, but it never carries the day. How did pride in our kids become more about which school鈥檚 name is on the diploma than which student鈥檚 name is on the diploma?鈥� My co-author, Hank, and I both worry about the unhealthy pressure that is part of today鈥檚 college process. I said to Hank, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 want to pick on college and university admission committees, but if we could identify one place where the culture could change and produce better mental health and a better view of what success means, this would be the starting place.鈥� Hank agreed. So throughout the book we say to parents, 鈥淗ere are places where聽you聽can change the type of pressure you apply during the college process.鈥� Then, in the Epilogue, we discuss聽our collective responsibility to improve the college admissions process through a cultural shift. We think it鈥檚 doable, especially in this period of rapid, pandemic-induced changes to the college admissions process.

I appreciate the distinction you make in the book, that the best parental guidance isn鈥檛 about direction or advice or structure, it鈥檚 about a better way to聽present聽that guidance to young people 鈥� to engage聽with聽them and to engage them with it.

That鈥檚 a big point that Hank and I make in the book: changing from harmful to healthy pressure doesn鈥檛 mean lowering standards and saying, 鈥淥h well, we鈥檒l stop putting so much pressure on you.鈥� It鈥檚 how to stop thinking about pressure in a聽quantitative聽way 鈥� 鈥淪hould I use more or less pressure?鈥� 鈥� and start to think about it in a聽stylistic听飞补测:听鈥淗辞飞聽am I applying the pressure?鈥� Parents love their kids, so they鈥檒l naturally state expectations and apply pressure to fuel progress toward those goals. But it鈥檚 futile if that pressure is of the harmful sort. The beauty is that when parents learn the distinctions between harmful and healthy pressure, they realize that they don鈥檛 need to lower their standards one bit. They simply become more effective caregivers.

How did you decide to collaborate with your co-author?

Hank contacted me out of the blue. He had written a book on pressure management and found my online courses for camp counselors. He asked whether he could host a module on pressure for camp counselors. I said, 鈥淲ell, they experience some healthy pressure, but happily it鈥檚 a break for a lot of them from the unhealthy pressure that they experience elsewhere 鈥� with competitive admissions and what recent alums tell me they鈥檙e experiencing in college.鈥� He called me about a week later and said, 鈥淥K, so we need to write a book together.鈥� And I thought, 鈥淚 just met this guy over the phone!鈥� But it was clear that we both had lots of complementary ideas. He sent me the research basis for each chapter along with a list of things we had discussed and then I wrote. It was a wonderful synergy.

The book mentions a communications workshop you run for parents, Cracking Kids鈥� Secret Code. Is that related to your work at Exeter?

That鈥檚 a workshop I do during [Exeter鈥檚] Family Weekend where I teach caregivers to listen to the subtext of what students say, then respond with empathy to that underlying thought or feeling. After working at Exeter for a few years, I started going to The Association of Boarding Schools, or TABS, conferences. I鈥檝e presented at camp conferences, and boarding school conferences seemed exactly the same, except that people wear different clothes (not Birkenstocks and shorts, a little more buttoned up.) But from a professional standpoint, they want to learn the same things: the risk and protective factors for psychopathology, as well as techniques of strong leadership, supervision and behavior management. So, I started presenting at TABS conferences and at BSA, the British equivalent, and the Australian Boarding Schools Association. That鈥檚 been a wonderful extension of what I鈥檝e done at Exeter. It feels really good to share what Exeter students and faculty have taught me with the world at large.

You鈥檝e been at Exeter for more than two decades. What have you learned from your students?

I鈥檝e learned that it is a blessing to have contact with people whose backgrounds are different than one鈥檚 own 鈥� different geographically, socioeconomically, ethnically, racially, religiously, philosophically and in other important aspects of identity 鈥� because it necessarily stretches one鈥檚 thinking and that鈥檚 just enormously energizing. And what goes along with that exposure to differences is an appreciation of what our commonalities are from a social and emotional standpoint. We all need a sense of belonging, we all fear being abandoned, we all fear losing control, we all want to feel needed, we want to feel worthy of other people鈥檚 love and affection. If you would have stated those core hopes and fears to me in graduate school, I would have said, 鈥淥f course 鈥� I鈥檓 reading about those concepts all the time!鈥� But reading about them is different than experiencing them or wrestling with them. If I weren鈥檛 constantly learning in my various roles at Exeter, I imagine I would have moved on to a different job long ago. But it is perennially inspiring, truly. My students are great at pushing me to see things differently, to ask different questions. And, with their challenges and struggles, they remind me, in all kinds of different ways, what our psychological human universals are. Perhaps The Unlikely Art of Parental Pressure has illuminated those in fresh ways.

If you had one piece of original advice to offer parents, what would it be?

Ask your child, 鈥淗辞飞 do I come across?鈥� in different situations that involve pressure. At the end of the day, only our kids can tell us whether the pressure we are applying is helpful for harmful. Yet asking our kids how we come across feels so risky that we rarely do it. Those are missed opportunities to strengthen the relationship you have with your child. Try it and you鈥檒l see the benefits immediately.